I remember that when I was little, I always wanted a dog. I used to take every opportunity to play with them and cuddle them..... and they were always just right. I was DESPERATE for a puppy of my own, and was 100% sure that I would have one when I grew up. My mum always warned me that owning a dog is one of the most important decisions that a person ever makes, and that I would have to decide for myself when the time was right.
Well, that time is now. For those of you who don't know, I am currently living in Germany with a dog, so I get to see first-hand what the experience would be like. And it is so very, VERY different from my imaginings..
This dog is a large Labrador with ADHD and an abandonment complex. He eats horrible things, barks 24/7, pulls like a steam train and enjoys licking my socks. Also, the worse the weather- the more excited he gets. It's times like this that we used to put him on the tread-mill. BUT, ever since he fell off of it and couldn't get back on- our dog will whine every time we try it. So that leaves walking.
Some time last year, I found myself walking my overly hyper-active dog through a thunderstorm in the middle of Germany. He had to stay on the leash, because the farmers were spreading fertiliser and he considers that a tasty treat. So I was yelling at him in German as my arm was pulled half out of the socket and my ear-buds began electrocuting my ears, when I came to a conclusion..... Big dogs are not for me.
Not long afterwards, I met the dog of my friends. They are American and have been living in Europe for about as long as I have. I was over at their house for dinner and had been there for about 20 minutes before I realised that they even HAD a dog. The entire length of it's body was the same as that of my foot. I spent the entire meal petrified that I was going to stand on and subsequently kill this families pet.
After dinner we were watching television, and the dog was lying in the middle of the living room floor. I felt an overwhelming sense of relief..... I was far less likely to commit canine manslaughter whilst he remained within view. Unfortunately, this proved not to be the case. The entire time that I sat there, that dog stared at me. His eyes opened wider and wider until they looked as though they were going to pop out of his head. I swear that the entire time that I sat there, I did not once see it blink. By the end of the show I was experiencing extreme paranoia and was pretty confident that instead of my accidently killing it, it was planning a slow and deliberate torture of me.
I later found out that I'd had a bit of food on my trouser leg..... but that did NOT change my decision. Small dogs are not for me, either.
It was a somewhat sad feeling, coming to this important life-decision. What had happened to my somewhat fuzzy memories of a dog that was man's best friend? Instead I was presented with the option of a sewage-consuming ADHD dwarved bear, or a potentialy homiscidal alien capable of hiding in shoe-boxes. Where was the justice?!
My final opinion on dogs is this: I like them in theory, with the protection and the love and the fun and the extreme cuteness value. But in practise- they make the most impractical of pets. They need to be exercised and fed and loved and stuff..... it does not fit in with my essentially lazy nature. I think that I'm just going to buy a monkey, instead. I hear that they make the most excellent hats.....
